Here’s some of that Honesty I Promised You

by Christa Upton

In my very first blog post http://www.blackhillspicturebooks.com/2012/11/11/welcome-to-my-new-blog/ , I told you I was going to be honest.  Actually, I am always honest to the best of my ability, but now I will share some “painful” honesty.

I wrote most of the following post on January 3, 2013, knowing I could only capture the thoughts while I was feeling the feelings.  (Happily, I do not feel like this every night!!)  But, it wasn’t the right timing to post it then.  Here it is now:

Do I want to quit sometimes?  Oh yeah.

Tonight’s a good example.

I want out.

I want out of this life that has caused me to suffer pain, be lonely, be up all stinkin’ night sometimes, not be able to take care of myself (much less my kids or my dear husband), and wonder where I’m going to live next or when we’ll have to move again.

I’m sick of being discouraged and then feeling guilty over it because of all that our churches, family, and friends ARE doing for us.  I am SICK of being so exhausted.

But it’s not like I can ditch this disease.

It is what it is, and it ain’t goin’ nowhere (unless God takes it away or we can obtain/create an MCS house).

What if God never takes it away and He never provides for an MCS house?

Well, I could walk away from God, but what good would that do?  I’m MUCH worse off without Him, and much, MUCH worse off with the enemy (Satan).

I could “stay with God” but remain angry with Him, bitter about what He has allowed in my life.  But that wouldn’t do much good either.  My anger might even hurt Him because He cares about me, but in the end it would hurt me much more than Him.

I could ignore my problems and live in denial.  Oh, well, no, I can’t do that because my in-born personality will not let me.

So, I surrender to God.  It only makes sense.  (It only makes sense for you, too.)

And the end of it for tonight—ending up in surrender to God—even though I do NOT feel like it right now, is always the best place to end up.

Psalm 146:4-5:  “Blessed is he whose help is the God of Jacob, whose hope is in the Lord his God, the Maker of heaven and earth, the sea, and everything in them–the Lord, who remains faithful forever.”

Christa Upton       Black Hills Picture Books      PO Box 293     Custer, SD  577